Do the Dew!

I love Mountain Dew! I would even go to the extent to say my love for Mountain Dew borders on an A&E "Intervention" addiction level. There's just something about the taste, the look, the feeling of diabetic shock you get after pounding a 12 pack in less then 2 or 3 days & the way it can glow in the dark that makes you feel like it's radioactive! Either way any Mountain Dew addict could testify to these feelings.

Before I go any further with this blog I do have to address the unfair stereotype that is associated with us Mountain Dew Drinkers. That Stereotype is that we are all a bunch of 4chan pursuing nerds that live in our Mom's basement that play Dungeons and Dragons every Friday and Saturday Night with our Babylon 5 Role Playing Group. This is obviously not true because we can't live in the basement because we are allergic to the molds down there and you know what Dungeon's & Dragons is so 1976 and as for Babylon 5 that's for Dorks, I watch Battlestar Galactica, thank you very much!

One of my favorite things about Mountain Dew though is that their advertising is directed to "Extreme Athletes" when I'd say that easily 3/4 of Mountain Dew drinkers are the furthest thing from Jesse Owens (wow, could I have picked a less relevant athlete?) as they barely get off of the couch from playing video games. Don't get me wrong, I ain't hating cuz I'm definitely part of that 3/4 and pretty damn proud as my addiction to both Mountain Dew & Fallout 3 is quite obscene.

Now there are many people out there who believe in the urban legend that Mountain Dew kills your sperm count. It is indeed a myth but either way I could careless because I don't want any mini me degenerate assholes running around bothering me while I play video games, watch porn and drink Mountain Dew (in any order, I'm not picky). Frankly if the myth is true then hell I'll drink 7-11 Super Gulp after Super Gulp till I'm as impotent as a.....ah I got nothing, you come up with something clever here!

I will say however there are some Mountain Dew heads out there who's dedication to the delicious soft drink that just flat out scares me. As you can see there are a few who take it to the extreme as evident in the picture above of a Mountain Dew Can Christmas Tree even though it brings a tear of jealousy to my uncontrollable twitching overly Computer/TV and Book reading exposed strained eye.

You maybe asking yourself "Well, What about Mello Yello?" I myself can not speak on the behalf of Mello Yello as I have never drank it seeing as A) I don't live in the South & B) I didn't live in the 70's no matter how bad I wanted to. Mello Yello, I feel is the Bastard cousin of Mountain Dew who never achieved anything in life just like Dr. Pepper and his High School dropout brother Mr. Pibb. Whatever the case maybe I will accept donations of both Mello Yello & Mr. Pibb from any free wheeling charitable philanthropist who is willing to help a worthy cause.

On a more serious note though I would like to dedicate this blog posting to the memory of Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur captured our funny bones as Dorothy Zbornak on the hit sitcom "Golden Girls." Earlyier this year as I do every year on New Years Day I gave my picks for the annual Celebrity Death Pool. On that list this year I joked about Bea Arthur as one of my picks, I unfortunately was right. When I heard the news of Bea Arthur's passing I was absolutely shattered as I'm sure most of the world was as we realized that we lost one of the true comedic greats. All one can say is there is an Angel up there some where with some sweet shoulder pads with the greatest comedic timing ever. Bea, Thank You for Being a Friend!!!

The 2009 New York Mets

The 2009 Major League Baseball season not only ushers in another season into the New York Mets storied franchise but it also Starts a New Chapter with the new Citi Field. The build up for this stadium has been a long desired dream for any New York Mets fan yet also a sour victory as many will truly miss Shea Stadium no matter how much of a dump it was.

Citi Field features many different styles of stadiums from yesterday to today. It is a state of the art stadium that gives a 360 degree view of the entire stadium. Citi Field also introduces many more different food options and well as numerous CLEAN restrooms. All of which are what Met fans are looking forward too.

I will say however that I will miss getting my shoes doused in urine as I sloshed through the flowing river that were their bathrooms. I will also miss the feelings of Vertigo that anyone would get as they rode the escalators of death.

Despite these sentimental feelings, Citi Field couldn't have come at a better time either. After 2 historical end of season collapses in 2007 & 2008, the Mets ended their seasons falling out off first place (Just like Shea's escalators) and out of the playoffs. The 2008 season stung more because the division rivals the Philadelphia Phillies went on to win the NL and then the World Series.

Nothing hurt more though then the 2006 season when the Mets destroyed the NL East by taking the divison by 12 games and then ended up losing the NLCS to the Cardinals in Game 7. 

The Catch

Game 7 featured Endy Chavez's Amazing Catch in which when I saw it in action I thought at the time that this was the sign of destiny that the Mets we're gonna win another World Series. Endy Chavez could run for Mayor of New York City with the Resume of Marion Berry and I would still vote for him.

The Main Problem the Past Two Seasons has been the Bullpen and Health. In 2006 the Mets were an offensive powerhouse as well as a lights out bullpen. In 2007 and 2008 the Mets offense was strong but were weakened by injuries and a Bullpen that ran as smoothly as a one legged prostitute. 

(Heilman leaving in disgrace, not uncommon)

The first step General Manager Omar Minaya took this past offseason was to ship out Bullpen Bums Scott Schoeneweis and Aaron Heilman and in return received Sean Green, JJ Putz and OF Jeremy Reed. 

Green is a big guy that pitches with power and is the Bullpen Bridge to the 8th inning Set up man Putz. Putz was Seattle's closer for the past few years and will share Closing and Set up opportunities with the Mets biggest offseason acquisition Francisco Rodriguez who replaces an injured Billy Wagner.

Returning to the bullpen are crafty lefty Pedro Feliciano and Brian Stokes. Accompanying them are Submarine Side Armer Darren O'Day and Rookie Bobby Parnell.

The re-tinkered Outfielding Core looks solid with Rookie Daniel Murphy in Left Field, Carlos Beltran in Center Field and Ryan Church in Right Field. I think Daniel Murphy will be the biggest break out player and could be a candidate for Rookie of the Year. If Church is healthy he is an X-Factor both in the Field and at the plate. And Beltran is phenomenal when healthy.

Backing them up are a solid crew in Marlon Anderson, Jeremy Reed, Fernando Tatis and recently signed Gary Sheffield. Sheffield throws a wild card into the mix. I love Murphy & Church on the corners and I love Tatis filling in here and there in their place. 

(Gary Sheffield's Rookie Season)

Granted it's great to have many options on backups and that Sheffield will be great for games with a DH but how many games will he play? He's apparently a good teammate but has a tendency to cause waves in the office then the clubhouse. He's also good trade bait, historic hitter with a cheap price tag. Time will tell.

The Mets' infield the past few seasons has been good but they have suffered from injuries. 2 years ago it was Carlos Delgado and last season was Luis Castillo. This year I can see them healthy for the most part but I think Delgado's numbers could go down due to his age. 

Jose Reyes will lead the league in Triples and Runs due to Citi Field's cavernous corners. Castillo will have a bounce back season and I think will win the MLB Comeback Player of the Year. 

As for David Wright it is hard to say, I hope he will stay on track with rising numbers season numbers but I think he might have a tough season with the new stadium which is supposed to be even more a Pitcher's Ballpark then Shea.

The pitching I think will benefit the most with Citi Field. Johan Santana will be a Cy Young candidate especially with the strong bullpen backing him up. John Maine will struggle and will rely on his defense and the field to get him through games, I just don't think he's 100% healthy.

Oliver Perez will have another up and down season. Mike Pelfrey will be dominate and will start making a name for himself. And I believe Livian Hernandez will also have an up and down season with a few injuries here and there but thats why Omar Minaya invested in young starting pitchers in the minors.

I wouldn't mind seeing Pedro Martinez signing with the Mets again. He is a good leader in the clubhouse and could get you 4 quality innings out of the bullpen and in spot starts. 

The Mets look great on paper but so does Atlanta and Philadelphia. I think Phillies will have problems with pitching and health towards the end of the season. And I think Atlanta will be a much better team this year with improved pitching but with mediocre offense. 

I think it will be neck and neck between the 3 in the NL East with Florida not too far behind. The Mets could end up with the NL East Championship or the NL Wildcard. No Matter What I see the Mets making the Playoffs No if's, and's or But's.

I think the Mets will end up winning the Division and the Conference with a 92-70 record. And I think they might end up playing the Red Sox in the World Series. 

Infomercial Graveyard

So Yesterday the news came out that, 44 year-old Vince Shlomi, of the ShamWow fame was arrested at a Miami Beach Hotel for SlapChopping the hell out of  a Hooker that he met at a Miami nightclub on February 7 of this year . 

Apparently our good buddy Vince paid 26 year old Sasha Harris, $1000 dollars to sleep with him at his hotel room (if it was me I would have had Vince throw in some ShamWow's into the deal this way I could soak up all the guilt/embarrassment that would follow sleeping with the ShamWow guy). Vince claimed when he went to kiss his lady of the night that she bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go to which Vince responded by punching her repeatedly. 

What is sad about this though is look at Vince's mug shot. It looks as if this happened 10 years past Vince's prime in a piece of the news that would be like "Hey, you remember the ShamWow Guy? Well he did a Tap Dance on some Hooker's Face." 

What's even sadder though is look at Vince's jacket. That fake fur looks like some cheap carpet samples and the rest of the material looks like some half assed canvas from luggage. Pimps that shop at Salvation Army wouldn't even be caught dead in that awful jacket.

This latest infomerical meltdown really doesn't come as a surprise to me because for some reason there is a pretty well documented track record of infomerical/Z-List celebrities who just lose it all while flying too high on the wings of a Magic Bullet.

For instance, do you remember the "Dude, your getting a Dell guy"? Back in 2003 at the height of those obnoxious commercials, Ben Curtis, the "Star" of those Dell commercials got busted for buying Pot in Manhattan's Lower East Side. But I mean who didn't see that coming? Some close eyed, lanky, scruffy kid using terms like "Dude" and "Man, Your harshing my buzz." What's funny now is he is a waiter/bartender at Tortilla Flats in NYC. 

Just like some guy who dresses up as Pirate in some restaurant because some hacker stole his identity that he's now serving chowder and Iced Tea, ......Whoops Sorry got sidetracked that's the freecreditreport.com song. What I meant to say, Is every informercial celebrity doomed to a Flight and a Crash? Not exactly, but lets continue.

Although he doesn't qualify as an infomerical celebrity, I'm going to include his arrest anyway because I found it phenomenal. CNN correspondent, Richard Quest, was arrested on April 18 2008 at 3:40am in Central Park. Which automatically you know isn't good, when anyone gets arrested in Central Park at some ungodly hour it's because of something real sketchy. 

What was Mr. Quest arrested for you ask?, Well, Mr. Quest was found with one end of a rope tied to his mouth leading to the other end of the rope that was tied to his Genitals. When asked if he had anything else Mr. Quest retrieved a Dildo and Methamphetamine from his boot. Classy Fella isn't he? Since then you can find Mr. Quest still on CNN usually in their segments about finance and the economy.

Mainly because I cant remember anymore Infomercial celebrity scandals here are a few of my predictions for some Informercial Celebrities and where they will stand in the Infomercial Graveyard.

Infomercial Predictions

Don West will shoot himself accidentally while trying to sell Dirty Harry's gun on QVC.

Billy Mays will be arrested at some Brothel while he is chained up in the S&M room.

The Band from those FreeCreditReport.com commercials will die in a plane crash a la Buddy Holly & the Big Bopper and it will be known as the Day the Shitty Commericals Died.

The guy from the old school Encyclopedia Britannica commercials will be arrested for being a Pedo.

Ron Popeil of the "Set it and Forget it" chicken rotisserie fame will be bludgeoned to death by a camera stand by way of a swinging and swapping friend a la Hogan's Heros' Bob Crane.

The Snuggie will be mired by a case of a Mass Suicide from a Snuggie Death Cult.

And Finally Giuseppe Franco of Proceed Hair Solutions will go completely Bald.

Guys and Real Dolls

So recently I don't know why but I've found that Real Dolls are absolutely hilarious.  For what reason why I find this completely hysterical is beyond me but I have noticed I'm not the only one who thinks this way. 

Some of you may say "Hey I rubbed one out to that on HBO's Real Sex," but for of those you who are "in the dark" on exactly what a Real Doll is, congratulate and thank yourself. A Real Doll is basically the creepiest thing anybody could own. A Real Doll is an incredibly life like Receptacle which are usually female. Although they also have Male Dolls available it begs the question, Which is creepier to own?, Male or Female?, I'm gonna go with my gut and say Female.

Lately in the media there has been a keen awareness to exactly how creepy/humorous it is to own a Real Doll. Two Years ago Ryan Gosling starred in the heartwarming Rom-Com "Lars and the Real Girl" about a delusional young man who strikes up an unconventional relationship with a Real Doll that he finds on the internet. I won't go any further about the movie because I don't want to spoil anything about the movie for those of you who haven't seen it as it is a good movie and should be viewed anyone.

The BBC (the British Broadcast Company, not the other acronym you sick perverts!) put out a documentary 2 years ago called "Guys and Dolls." The documetary profiled the lives of 4 Creeps (with a capital C & an exclamation point!) who owned Real Dolls. One of the owners by the name of "DaveCat" lived in the suburbs of Detriot. "DaveCat" reminded me of this guy that I used to work with both physically and mannerism/personality wise that it creeped me out.

Another Gentleman, and I use that term loosely, profiled in the BBC documentary was a gentleman by the name of Mike. Mike owned a beyond phenomenally creepy count of 8 Real Dolls. Mike also supplied 2 hilarious moments in the film, one where he was cleaning out one of his dolls unmentionable parts with a Swiffer duster as he stated that particularly doll was "beginning to smell like fish." 

The other fantastic moment Mike supplied was when he invited his real girlfriend over for his birthday and had all of his dolls sitting at a table with party hats on which in sighted the response of "I need a drink" from his girlfriend.

Lastly on the subject of the BBC's documentary there was one other fantastic quote/moment of the film that I need to share. This part profiled the maintenance man of the Real Dolls who would, um, repair, these Real Dolls. Now, one would think when preforming work on said Dolls that one would wear proper sanitary gear. Not this guy, he hunkers down as he gets into the nitty gritty with no gloves on as he pulls out damaged pieces as he says "I'm running all out of Vaginas."

Now I'm not completely condoning the Real Doll because besides providing "companionship" here are a few Pros that out weigh the Cons, Let's Review!

Pros

- You can now list a Dependent on your Tax Forms!

- Kiss Traffic goodbye as it is now clear sailing in the HOV car pool lane!

- You now have a permeant fan in the stands for all of your Adult Slow Pitch Softball Games!

- No more Chef Lonely Heart's Soup for One, Now you can Wine & Dine on TV Dinners for Two!

- Never having to go to a Family Event ever again!

- Ladies, Never feel vulnerable ever again, as the Male Real Doll is the best Male deterrent since the invention of the Shawl!

- Faking your Death has never been easier!

- Never Pay for Prostitutes both Monetarily and/or Health wise ever again!