Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Mike Tyson's Punch Out!


Mike Tyson's Punchout is Easily by Far the Greatest Video Game Ever Made With out a Doubt Hands Down! (Well at least in my own opinion).I remember being no older then 5 years old and constantly renting this game only week after week on end from the old school American Video. I should have just bought the fucking thing.

Although it was only an 8 Bit Graphic Game this game stole my heart at a very young age. And although many fantastic games have come and gone over the years from so many numerous consoles such as NES, SNES, Genesis, N64, PS1 & 2 as well as then new generation consoles this will always be the Bane of my existance as far as video games go. (Wow I sound like a major Tool!).

Why?, You Ask, Am I so obsessed with this Fossil of a Video Game? Maybe it was the horrid colors or maybe it was the Corny Midi keyboard soundtrack that created the atmosphere in the game. I can tell you one thing for sure though the Opponen
ts' AI in that Game were light years ahead of video game standards for that time. And That I'm a Complete Tool on so many levels!

Little Mac- Your Character! He's just your normal 17 year old kid from the Bronx, You Know, Taking on the worlds most formidable Heavy Weight Fighters just like I did when I was 17. Trained by the Heralded Doc Louis, Little Mac sets off on a Journey to Dethrone Iron Mike Tyson! So sit back, Relax and be prepared to be bored or find something else half way looking through this post!

Glass Joe- The easiest fighter in the entire game. He hits like my 89 year old grandmother and moves just as fast. He telegraphs his punches and swings like a rusty gate when he throws them. You should be able to get past him in the first round no problem. Although once in my Mike Tyson's Punch Out/American Video Hay Day I decided I wanted Glass Joe to Go the distance so I could see the sequence of the Decision at the end of the 3 rounds. Needless to say Glass Joe won and at the time my brother said that it will always go down in American Video history that Glass Joe's 1-99 record  was due to me which resulted in me crying my eyes out for some reason.

Von Kaiser- The next opponent you face in Mike Tyson's Punch Out Von Kaiser is the German Stereotype Fighter in a game full of Racist Stereotype characters. Hell they just don't make Racist Stereotype games like they used to in the NES Hay Day, has anyone else noticed that but me? Anyway, Von Kaiser is easy, he doesn't do much as far as moves and he sells them pretty well before he throws them. He doesn't pack much power and should be easy enough to take out before the end of the 1st or 2nd round.

Piston Honda- Can ya tell this is another Stereotype? Piston Honda is your first formidable opponent as well as your first title bout in the minor circuit. He packs a power full punch and he is quite quick. Piston Honda's moves are very well touted and are really the first adequate combo of moves you firt see in the game. You should be able to take down Piston Honda by the 2nd round but beware because you will face him again in the world circuit and he is bigger, stronger and faster the next time around! 

Don Flamenco- I don't even need to say it again...Don Flamenco is the first opponent you face in the Major Circuit, And he is Tough! He is quick and has a decent amount of power but his strength lies in BLOCKING ALL YOUR FUCKING PUNCHES!!!!! till your blue in the face and then he knocks you the fuck out. Other then that he is not too tough, You should be able to take him out in the 2nd round.

King Hippo- He's easy, and you should be able to take him out in the first round. King Hippo is very slow but very powerful so watch out if you get hit by one of his punches. The trick is to hit him in his taped up belly button as he continuously tries to pull up his boxing shorts as you do this. Once King Hippo is down he is down for good as Obesity rears it's ugly head and betrays poor old King Hippo.

Great Tiger- He is just a douche, plain and simple. He's fast, some-what powerful and is just a dirty fighter. I never liked fighting the man (er, uh, Video Game Character in this case). Here's a tip: The Jewel on his head wrap twinkles when he is about to throw a punch. Other then that I ain't got nothing!

Bald Bull- Bald Bull is quite possible the ugliest Video Game Character Alive (that is if binary coded characters actually had lives!) On a scale of 1 to 10 on an ugliness factor I'd have to give Bald Bull a Ernest Borgnine. Despite the lack of handsome in his department Bald Bull packs some pretty mean power. The key to beating him is punch him straight on when he charges at you. When You Beat Bald Bull You Become the Major Circuit Champion and then go one to the World Circuit.

Soda Popinski- He is one of the only 3 opponents in world circuit that you face that isn't an opponent you have faced in previous circuits. Soda Pop is the Russian Stereotype character you face in the game. He is pretty goddamn easy and shouldn't have a problem with him. *Little Known Fact (AKA: Good God I'm a Complete Tool)*: In the Japanese Version of the game, Soda Pop drinks Vodka not soda but in the US they didn't want to encourage underage drinking but they certainly didn't have problems with promoting Stereotypes!

Mr. Sandman- He just looks like a big retarded Goon, but don't be deceived by this because Mr. Sandman is quite the nasty fighter. Mr. Sandman has Count Chocula teeth and some pretty sweet sideburns (Not gonna lie!). He's not too quick but what he lacks in speed he makes up for in pure brute strength. He's about as cool as a case of diarrhea, enough said!

Super Macho Man- He just Confuses the fuck out of Me! Alright his Mug Shot makes him look like some old bag with old man strength so you think "Alright, No Big Deal" then when ya fight him ya realize he's some BIG FUCKING 12 FOOT BE
NEQOUP! WTF? He is one bad ass dude, I certainly wouldn't wanna fuck with him. He is also the World Circuit Champion and the last opponent you fight before Mike Tyson. However in the re-release of the game for NES after that whole Mike Tyson Hotel Fiasco thing that Iron Mike refers to it as "They Were Just Dancing"; Super Macho Man becomes the new top dog replacing Tyson and thus became called "Punchout".

Mike Tyson- Finally!, The Man of the Hour, Mike Tyson! The Man, The Myth, The Legend Himself and the source of all my wasted energy and your wasted time on this blog! Iron Mike is simply a killer, I've never lasted more then 12 seconds against him in the game. I've only seen video evidence via youtube of people beating the Dynamite Kid. Simply said he is tougher then a prison meatloaf, and Iron Mike should know! The only way I could sum up your pain from reading this entry is from Iron Mike's own quote "The Only Way I could make you feel my pain is by stomping on your Childern's Testicles" He is a True Poet!

After Reading This Entry You must be asking yourself "Man, Mike, Sure Knows A Lot About Boxing." That's a Bunch of Poppy-Cock though, All I know about Boxing is Never Bet on the White Guy!

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