Sunday, March 29, 2009

Infomercial Graveyard

So Yesterday the news came out that, 44 year-old Vince Shlomi, of the ShamWow fame was arrested at a Miami Beach Hotel for SlapChopping the hell out of  a Hooker that he met at a Miami nightclub on February 7 of this year . 

Apparently our good buddy Vince paid 26 year old Sasha Harris, $1000 dollars to sleep with him at his hotel room (if it was me I would have had Vince throw in some ShamWow's into the deal this way I could soak up all the guilt/embarrassment that would follow sleeping with the ShamWow guy). Vince claimed when he went to kiss his lady of the night that she bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go to which Vince responded by punching her repeatedly. 

What is sad about this though is look at Vince's mug shot. It looks as if this happened 10 years past Vince's prime in a piece of the news that would be like "Hey, you remember the ShamWow Guy? Well he did a Tap Dance on some Hooker's Face." 

What's even sadder though is look at Vince's jacket. That fake fur looks like some cheap carpet samples and the rest of the material looks like some half assed canvas from luggage. Pimps that shop at Salvation Army wouldn't even be caught dead in that awful jacket.

This latest infomerical meltdown really doesn't come as a surprise to me because for some reason there is a pretty well documented track record of infomerical/Z-List celebrities who just lose it all while flying too high on the wings of a Magic Bullet.

For instance, do you remember the "Dude, your getting a Dell guy"? Back in 2003 at the height of those obnoxious commercials, Ben Curtis, the "Star" of those Dell commercials got busted for buying Pot in Manhattan's Lower East Side. But I mean who didn't see that coming? Some close eyed, lanky, scruffy kid using terms like "Dude" and "Man, Your harshing my buzz." What's funny now is he is a waiter/bartender at Tortilla Flats in NYC. 

Just like some guy who dresses up as Pirate in some restaurant because some hacker stole his identity that he's now serving chowder and Iced Tea, ......Whoops Sorry got sidetracked that's the song. What I meant to say, Is every informercial celebrity doomed to a Flight and a Crash? Not exactly, but lets continue.

Although he doesn't qualify as an infomerical celebrity, I'm going to include his arrest anyway because I found it phenomenal. CNN correspondent, Richard Quest, was arrested on April 18 2008 at 3:40am in Central Park. Which automatically you know isn't good, when anyone gets arrested in Central Park at some ungodly hour it's because of something real sketchy. 

What was Mr. Quest arrested for you ask?, Well, Mr. Quest was found with one end of a rope tied to his mouth leading to the other end of the rope that was tied to his Genitals. When asked if he had anything else Mr. Quest retrieved a Dildo and Methamphetamine from his boot. Classy Fella isn't he? Since then you can find Mr. Quest still on CNN usually in their segments about finance and the economy.

Mainly because I cant remember anymore Infomercial celebrity scandals here are a few of my predictions for some Informercial Celebrities and where they will stand in the Infomercial Graveyard.

Infomercial Predictions

Don_West.jpg Don West image by SvenAndIngmar
Don West will shoot himself accidentally while trying to sell Dirty Harry's gun on QVC.

Billy Mays will be arrested at some Brothel while he is chained up in the S&M room.

The Band from those commercials will die in a plane crash a la Buddy Holly & the Big Bopper and it will be known as the Day the Shitty Commericals Died.

The guy from the old school Encyclopedia Britannica commercials will be arrested for being a Pedo.

Ron Popeil of the "Set it and Forget it" chicken rotisserie fame will be bludgeoned to death by a camera stand by way of a swinging and swapping friend a la Hogan's Heros' Bob Crane.

The Snuggie will be mired by a case of a Mass Suicide from a Snuggie Death Cult.

And Finally Giuseppe Franco of Proceed Hair Solutions will go completely Bald.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Guys and Real Dolls

So recently I don't know why but I've found that Real Dolls are absolutely hilarious.  For what reason why I find this completely hysterical is beyond me but I have noticed I'm not the only one who thinks this way. 

Some of you may say "Hey I rubbed one out to that on HBO's Real Sex," but for of those you who are "in the dark" on exactly what a Real Doll is, congratulate and thank yourself. A Real Doll is basically the creepiest thing anybody could own. A Real Doll is an incredibly life like Receptacle which are usually female. Although they also have Male Dolls available it begs the question, Which is creepier to own?, Male or Female?, I'm gonna go with my gut and say Female.
Lately in the media there has been a keen awareness to exactly how creepy/humorous it is to own a Real Doll. Two Years ago Ryan Gosling starred in the heartwarming Rom-Com "Lars and the Real Girl" about a delusional young man who strikes up an unconventional relationship with a Real Doll that he finds on the internet. I won't go any further about the movie because I don't want to spoil anything about the movie for those of you who haven't seen it as it is a good movie and should be viewed anyone.
The BBC (the British Broadcast Company, not the other acronym you sick perverts!) put out a documentary 2 years ago called "Guys and Dolls." The documetary profiled the lives of 4 Creeps (with a capital C & an exclamation point!) who owned Real Dolls. One of the owners by the name of "DaveCat" lived in the suburbs of Detriot. "DaveCat" reminded me of this guy that I used to work with both physically and mannerism/personality wise that it creeped me out.

Another Gentleman, and I use that term loosely, profiled in the BBC documentary was a gentleman by the name of Mike. Mike owned a beyond phenomenally creepy count of 8 Real Dolls. Mike also supplied 2 hilarious moments in the film, one where he was cleaning out one of his dolls unmentionable parts with a Swiffer duster as he stated that particularly doll was "beginning to smell like fish." 
The other fantastic moment Mike supplied was when he invited his real girlfriend over for his birthday and had all of his dolls sitting at a table with party hats on which in sighted the response of "I need a drink" from his girlfriend.

Lastly on the subject of the BBC's documentary there was one other fantastic quote/moment of the film that I need to share. This part profiled the maintenance man of the Real Dolls who would, um, repair, these Real Dolls. Now, one would think when preforming work on said Dolls that one would wear proper sanitary gear. Not this guy, he hunkers down as he gets into the nitty gritty with no gloves on as he pulls out damaged pieces as he says "I'm running all out of Vaginas."
Now I'm not completely condoning the Real Doll because besides providing "companionship" here are a few Pros that out weigh the Cons, Let's Review!


- You can now list a Dependent on your Tax Forms!
- Kiss Traffic goodbye as it is now clear sailing in the HOV car pool lane!
- You now have a permeant fan in the stands for all of your Adult Slow Pitch Softball Games!
- No more Chef Lonely Heart's Soup for One, Now you can Wine & Dine on TV Dinners for Two!
- Never having to go to a Family Event ever again!
- Ladies, Never feel vulnerable ever again, as the Male Real Doll is the best Male deterrent since the invention of the Shawl!
- Faking your Death has never been easier!
- Never Pay for Prostitutes both Monetarily and/or Health wise ever again!

Monday, March 23, 2009

I Need a Haircut!

"Like Zoinks Scoob"
I desperately need a haircut bad. I'm begining to look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo or one of the Monkees. The only problem is I want a new hairstyle but I don't know what I want to do with it. To begin with my hair isn't the greatest mane this side of the Mississippi. My hair just gets really thick and shaggy and doesn't grow long so I can't really style it or at least I don't think I can. I also need to trim or completely shave my beard because I'm tired of my mustache smelling of food, the flavor savor can get old real fast. If you have any suggestions let me know, it would truly be appreciated.

Speaking of Haircuts, we recorded the tracking and vocals for our first (and only?) full length album about a month and a half to two months ago. Brian and Greg have been in the "lab" mixing, producing and mastering it. We haven't played/practice since we recorded our songs in what seems like eons ago. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but we're playing a show this Friday at Dogwood and it would be nice to be sharp. Not to jump the gun but I think for the most part we've accepted the fact that this isn't gonna last forever and most likely end unfortunately sooner rather then later because one of us could be moving and that I'm going to hopefully get a 9-5 job beginning this summer.

"Y'all Gone Make Me Lose My Mind"
Any who, I've become seriously addicted to Fallout 3. I've been averaging about 3 hours or more a day in gameplay. The game is just fucking phenomenal plus it doesn't hurt that all I do at work is talk about the game with Justin Credible, Neil, and Paul. It can get to the point sometimes when I'm playing the game that my right eyeball feels like it's gonna pop out of my skull.
A Guy Can Dream Can't He?
For those of you who don't know (that is if anybody is actually reading this blog besides Ms. Emily Soper) what Fallout 3 is it's a game where you basically walk around on quests in a post nuke fallout DC and encounter survivors, enemies and all sorts of mutants. Everything you do in the game determines the out come of the game.

Except I won't be wearing socks
Other then that though nothing really else special has happened in the past few days. My parents go away for a week and a half beginning next weekend and it couldn't come at a better time. I get along with my folks but lately I'm like on edge and get annoyed at the slightest thing they do or ask me. So needless to say I'm looking forward to having the house to myself.

Until Next Time, Keep on Rockin in the Free World!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Hüsker Dü

After about a year or 2 of not having any new music in my iTunes library I decided I needed a change and took the plunge in getting new music. Some these artists include Neutral Milk Hotel, Pavement, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Stevie Wonder, and Vampire Weekend just to name a few but the band that really sticks out amongst the pack is Husker Du.

In 1979, the Minnesota 3 piece Alt Rock Hardcore Punk band formed its stand out sound in an area of the country not known for it's music scene. Husker Du consisted of Bob Mould on guitar, Grant Hart on drums and Greg Norton on bass with Mould and Hart as the primary writers of the band.

By 1980, Husker Du had already developed a name for themselves as they became the forefront of the Minnesota scene as they branched out and began playing nationally. By this time they had formed an alliance with the trailblazers of Hardcore Punk Rock; Black Flag. Husker Du soon signed with Black Flag's prestigious label SST which featured such bands as the Dead Kennedys' and the Minutemen. 

Husker Du went on to release their first album "Everything Falls Apart" in 1982 on SST. Some Stand out tracks on this album are "Blah Blah Blah," "Lets Go Die," and "Do You Remember" (which is actually what Husker Du means in Danish)

Following the mediocre success of "Everything Falls Apart," Husker Du released "Metal Circus" in 1983. "Metal Circus" broke away from their Hardcore Roots as they incorporated a melodic tone which immediately become popular with college kids as it spread through college radio stations across the country like wildfire. The stand out tracks on "Metal Circus" are "Deadly Skies," "It's not funny anymore," and "Diane."

With 1984, along came Husker Du's widely popular double album "Zen Arcade" which is considered as one of the greatest concept albums of all time and is frequently included as one of the greatest Rock albums of all time. A few Stand out tracks on this album are "Never Talking to you Again" and "Turn on the News."

In 1985 Husker Du would record "New Day Rising," their second to last album with SST before going on to sign with Warner Bros. Records. "New Day Rising" capitalizes on their widely popular underground success as Husker Du produced a masterpiece of an album in what many consider as their climax as a band. The Stand out tracks on this album are "The girl who lives on heaven hill," "Celebrated Summer," "Terms of Psychic Warfare," and "Books about UFOs."

By the time of the release of their last album for SST "Flip Your Wig" in 1985, tensions between Grant Hart and Bob Mould began to boil. At this time Grant Hart began an addiction to heroin which he wouldn't recover from till well after Husker Du broke up. "Flip Your Wig's" stand out tracks are "Makes no sense at all"and "Divide and Conquer."

1986 saw the release of the band's sixth album "Candy Apple Grey," which was their first album with Warner Bros. By now the creative and producing control of their material between Hart and Mould was creating a division in the band. The Stand out tracks on this album are "Don't want to know if you are lonely," "Sorry Somehow," and "No Promise Have I made."

By 1987 the tension in the band reached a head as Husker Du's manager David Savoy committed suicide on the eve of the release their final album "Warehouse: Songs and Stories" due to the fact that he didn't want to pick sides between Hart and Mould in what Mould would later take responsability in an interview with British magazine "Q" as Mould went on to say "he was being forced into a two-faced situation."

After a show in 1987 in Columbia, Missouri, Husker Du fell apart as a band. At this time Hart was attempting to quit heroin by way of methadone but his bottle of the substance had leaked. Mould and Norton were concerned that Hart would not be able to play the next few shows as Mould went ahead and canceled the next few show dates. Four days later Hart quit Husker Du.

Since the break up of Husker Du, Mould and Hart have had success with music seperatley in such bands as Sugar and Nova Mob. In 2004, after a 17 year silence, Mould and Hart played an impromptu set at a benefit concert for fellow Minnesota musician Karl Mueller, the bassist for Soul Asylum who has since succumbed to cancer. Mould would later write on his blog that the set was a last minute suggestion suggestion by Hart and shouldn't kindle any "false hopes" of a reunion.

If anybody made it through my lengthy romancing write up of this band I commended you and actually suggest to leave a comment on whether or not if I should continue this type of musical review of music I like or if I should dump it like a bag of Moldy Tangerines.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Bloggin on a Saturday Night, I'm a Party Animal!

So yea, the title of this blog says it all, as I've gotten older I've become duller and duller as I've discovered my night life is the equivalent of a tree stump. I've become content with saving money and not going to bars in exchange for sitting around watching a movie/tv, playing board games, cards or video games.

Tonight for example instead of going to see my boy Anthony's band at the Crazy Donkey or going to Gunther's I'm most likely gonna stay in blog here while watching cops and play some of my new game Fallout 3 (which is absolute Crack) afterwards. That is if Brian or Quested don't get back to me.

Although I wouldn't mind leaving the house especially since my parents are having my old racist neighbor from across the street over for dinner. Anytime she talks about a different ethnicity she refers to them as "They'll cut you tongue out."

But anyway, this past Tuesday was St. Patrick's Day, and how did I celebrate you ask? By going to class in the morning and working the rest of the day and then going to bed because I had to open the next morning, quite the Party Animal I tell ya what!

Wednesday was quite the handjob of a morning as my Manager had let go a girl the day previous who had hours the rest of the week. My Manager didn't think about covering those hours at all because she is naive and thought that this girl was gonna cover the rest of her hours when she wasn't gonna have a job anymore. It rocked.

Thursday was fun, after class I played Fallout 3, took a nap because my eyes we're deranged from hours of play and then I joined Emily, Missy and Kim for a girls night out in Huntington instead of going to my class that night. 

We had dinner @ European Republic then went to Ricky's because I was hoping that they would have these Buddy Holly frames that Emily got at one of their stores in the city. They didn't but they did have a cute chick working there with snake bite piercings that which I love. They also had some gigantic Flying Hooker working there too with chest piercings, she creeped me out.

After that we walked around Huntington until we found Crumbs bakery. I got an Oreo cupcake and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup cupcake. I had the Oreo when I got home, it was amazing, I put the Reese's one in the fridge.

Friday Morning I opened, it was an uneventful open which is a rare thing so I enjoyed it. After that I had to go to the school to cover a Economics Lecture on False Advertising for my Journalism class, it was about exciting as .... I don't know, I cant think of anything clever.

After that Emily and I went Thrift Store Hoppin. I got a really sweet insulated Post Office Carrier Jacket. Emily picked up a sweet Long Island Reptile Museum  shirt with a reptillian like belt.

Later that night I hung out at Erin's with Emily. We watched one of my favorite Rom-Com's Outside Providence. They enjoyed it. When I got home I ate the cupcake I had in the fridge, it was 224,835,560,294 times better after it spent some time in the fridge.

Today was a waste however, I woke up and went to work @ 8:30 this morning. It was busy as shit till about 1ish or 2. There was an Asian Man (or as my Grandma would say an "oriental") in the back alley of the store selling Bootleg movies, I got the Watchmen. My manager also bought some movies but had to make it a point to me for some reason that he bought some of the Porno's he had. Normally when chicks tell me something like this I'm all for it, but with her I wanted to Vom in my mouth.

Now I just finished watching Cops and discovered I'm most likely gonna have to do a double shift tomorrow to go along with my open shift on Monday, Rock on!

My goal ultimately is to blog with less days in between each log. Mostly because I hate summing up my entire week and would rather keep up to date. So look for a blog tomorrow after I get outta work tomorrow because I know everybody's keeping glued to their computer just to read another douchey blog!

Monday, March 16, 2009

God Damn it's been a Hot Minute since I blogged!!!

I can't believe it's been since August of last year that I last blogged. I kinda just got lazy (and by lazy I mean spending all of my time on the computer looking at porn instead). I vow to change that though, after having a guest speaker in a class of mine who blogs for a living and reading my friend Emily Soper's blog daily for the past few months or so I've had a reawakening new found appreciation about blogging.

My plan for my newly restructured blog is to try and do a feature blog (the topical blogs I've done in the past) once a week. The other blogs I will post during the week will revolve around my thoughts, opinions, feelings, and events that have happened to me that day or that week (so yea, a normal fucking blog). 

The challenge with my previous blog structure was the topical installments were so time consuming to type that I didn't want to do them (But I thought you said the problem was you we're looking at porn instead; Yea but that was only 97% of the time, that other 3% was strictly dedicated to gossip sites and email/facebook).

I'm also thinking of every once and a while including a write up about certain bands that I'm digging on at the time, what I like about them, what songs I think you should check out and possibly a profile about the band itself.

Other then that though I'm really not up to too much these days. Haircut finished recording tracking and vocals of our First Full Length and is in what will most likely be a long mixing period as we all get our thoughts and opinions in about the tracks and the album as a whole. 

I've been reading a lot and as usual my ADD can't contain the process of reading just one book at one time so I'm in to about 6 books as we speak. One of them is a really good documentary about Guns & Roses and their early days, needless to say it's fucking awesome.

Starbucks is becoming a sinking ship as my manager has gotten her own feelings about people we work with into the way and is causing it to be an uncomfortable place as she has unwittingly gotten rid of quality people for her own ego problems.

Other then that though not much has been going on.....