Sunday, March 29, 2009

Infomercial Graveyard

So Yesterday the news came out that, 44 year-old Vince Shlomi, of the ShamWow fame was arrested at a Miami Beach Hotel for SlapChopping the hell out of  a Hooker that he met at a Miami nightclub on February 7 of this year . 

Apparently our good buddy Vince paid 26 year old Sasha Harris, $1000 dollars to sleep with him at his hotel room (if it was me I would have had Vince throw in some ShamWow's into the deal this way I could soak up all the guilt/embarrassment that would follow sleeping with the ShamWow guy). Vince claimed when he went to kiss his lady of the night that she bit down on his tongue and wouldn't let go to which Vince responded by punching her repeatedly. 

What is sad about this though is look at Vince's mug shot. It looks as if this happened 10 years past Vince's prime in a piece of the news that would be like "Hey, you remember the ShamWow Guy? Well he did a Tap Dance on some Hooker's Face." 

What's even sadder though is look at Vince's jacket. That fake fur looks like some cheap carpet samples and the rest of the material looks like some half assed canvas from luggage. Pimps that shop at Salvation Army wouldn't even be caught dead in that awful jacket.

This latest infomerical meltdown really doesn't come as a surprise to me because for some reason there is a pretty well documented track record of infomerical/Z-List celebrities who just lose it all while flying too high on the wings of a Magic Bullet.

For instance, do you remember the "Dude, your getting a Dell guy"? Back in 2003 at the height of those obnoxious commercials, Ben Curtis, the "Star" of those Dell commercials got busted for buying Pot in Manhattan's Lower East Side. But I mean who didn't see that coming? Some close eyed, lanky, scruffy kid using terms like "Dude" and "Man, Your harshing my buzz." What's funny now is he is a waiter/bartender at Tortilla Flats in NYC. 

Just like some guy who dresses up as Pirate in some restaurant because some hacker stole his identity that he's now serving chowder and Iced Tea, ......Whoops Sorry got sidetracked that's the song. What I meant to say, Is every informercial celebrity doomed to a Flight and a Crash? Not exactly, but lets continue.

Although he doesn't qualify as an infomerical celebrity, I'm going to include his arrest anyway because I found it phenomenal. CNN correspondent, Richard Quest, was arrested on April 18 2008 at 3:40am in Central Park. Which automatically you know isn't good, when anyone gets arrested in Central Park at some ungodly hour it's because of something real sketchy. 

What was Mr. Quest arrested for you ask?, Well, Mr. Quest was found with one end of a rope tied to his mouth leading to the other end of the rope that was tied to his Genitals. When asked if he had anything else Mr. Quest retrieved a Dildo and Methamphetamine from his boot. Classy Fella isn't he? Since then you can find Mr. Quest still on CNN usually in their segments about finance and the economy.

Mainly because I cant remember anymore Infomercial celebrity scandals here are a few of my predictions for some Informercial Celebrities and where they will stand in the Infomercial Graveyard.

Infomercial Predictions

Don_West.jpg Don West image by SvenAndIngmar
Don West will shoot himself accidentally while trying to sell Dirty Harry's gun on QVC.

Billy Mays will be arrested at some Brothel while he is chained up in the S&M room.

The Band from those commercials will die in a plane crash a la Buddy Holly & the Big Bopper and it will be known as the Day the Shitty Commericals Died.

The guy from the old school Encyclopedia Britannica commercials will be arrested for being a Pedo.

Ron Popeil of the "Set it and Forget it" chicken rotisserie fame will be bludgeoned to death by a camera stand by way of a swinging and swapping friend a la Hogan's Heros' Bob Crane.

The Snuggie will be mired by a case of a Mass Suicide from a Snuggie Death Cult.

And Finally Giuseppe Franco of Proceed Hair Solutions will go completely Bald.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

set it and forget it!
and if you call in the next ten minutes, you can have the katana knife set, AND the food injector that looks extremely phallic on telelvision. Or I'm just a perv who watches too much late night television.